As the British General Election approaches, Jack Berrill is a humble theatre technician with big plans for the Big Man of the Tories, David “My Chin Is Arching Ever-Closer To My Nose” Cameron…
Dear Dave,
I’ve been following your election campaign with more than a little interest, as I too have designs on the position of ‘Primary Minister’ of the UK AND Ireland (I will explain this later). I think you’re doing an excellent job, but let’s make not beat around the bush here Big Dog D, you’re missing the sparkle of Jack Berrill. It’s lucky I’m here, for both you and me. I’ll go on…
First, I think it’s important to note that while you’ve got the credentials, I have the face to front a campaign. Now, normally (and feel free to ask my friends on this one Mr. Cameron) I’m not a man who likes his face on all the papers, not one of the “me-have-it-all-paparazzi-super-time” generation, if you will (and I’m sure you will {you just did}). However, there comes a time for change (I think you’ve mentioned this), and I’m ready (“at last”, you probably say) to be the face of your campaign. It’s time for my face to have its time in the limelight, proving ravishing to ladies and potential voters. It’s a face that says, “Tea?” sometimes, but “Heads up, Scaff Tower Moving” or “Don’t be an eejit”. If some people aren’t sure about voting for us David, they sure will be soon. My face, your credentials and a smattering of CRAZY OSBORNE (it’s how I think he should be rebranded) and we’re on to a winning formula.
Now I know what you’re thinking DC, and worry not, I’m ready for this. What can I (Jack) offer to the world, I hear you (Big Dog D) say…? Well…
- A noble mind
- Understanding
- Athletic
And that’s just three words that I think are pretty apt at describing what I’m at. I know that we can up our game by really hitting this one out of the park DaveCam. I should get to the crux of my proposal, as I imagine you’re sufficiently titillated at this stage. And get ready, cause this is about to get heavy…
What I’m suggesting is a kind of coalition (and not with that Clegg-type), between you and I. You’ve been proposing this as a year for change DC, and what could be more of a “change” than you getting elected (some kind of awesome majority would be pretty cool) and then BLAMMO!
That’s right, you hand over the reigns to me (that’s what the sound is for {there was some kind of explosion}).
That says “change” like nothing else. An elite politician like yourself cruises in and then, HOLY MOLY, he steps aside for a wee lad from Drogheda with a background in poetry and arse-kicking. From there it’ll be pretty easy to get Ireland to agree to “co-habiting under the same roof” as you guys. I’ve got the gift of the gab, it can’t be too difficult. I’ve got the Jack-Factor. I’m really looking forward to it, being Primest Minister, leading the UK and Ireland, or as I like to call it “Jackland”, of which I am “Supreeeeeme Overlord and Tyrant”. You can be “Unnecessarily Racist Vice-Tyrant” if you want, or something similarly awesome.
I’m also considering staging some kind of Live Aid-style event to raise awareness for how “awesome” we are. I’ve got a rake of sound and light equipment and can use them pretty well. I also control The Beatles and a little known outfit called The Tubeway Army.
Now, the first bridge to cross is this “majority” thing. Don’t worry DJDC, I’m on it. That Clegg fella’s nothing to worry about, sure didn’t I only have few jars with him the other week. He’s just trying to put the willies up you but is planning on gracefully bowing out on Monday 3rd May. That is, of course, if you get me on board. That’s his condition, and he’s sticking to it. The bastard.
I’ve already put 35,000 flyers to print saying ‘Berrill and Cameron – Together we can make it all better’, with a big picture of my smiling face. I’ll send your half over.
Keep up the good work, but don’t forget, you can do better, and I’ll see you on Downing Street come May 8th you crazy bastard! Wooooo!
Yours confidently,
Jack Berrill
