F.Y.I. A Memo

Marc (with a C) Atkinson focuses on the major issue facing RTE’s The Late Late Show. 

TO: The Late Late Show, RTE

29th April 2009

Dear sir,
 
Are you aware of the tautological nature of your show’s title?
 
Yours gramatically,
 
Marc Atkinson.

Hello aka Bonjour

Marc (with a C) Atkinson returns to Email, She Wrote with a couple of belters!

TO: Parc Asterix, France

29th April 2009

To Asterix, Obelix or maybe that weird Druid,
 
My name is Sir. Marc Atkinson, recently appointed Fresher King (of Ireland and all of our colonies) and you shall address me as such. I am a regular at your wonderful parc or amusement theatre, but find myself disillusionned by the lack of non-asterix themed rides? (that question marc is deliberate – READ IT AGAIN!!!) Would you perhaps consider something to do with Felix the Cat? Perhaps Sandy Claws (my grandma just suggested that one)? I understand that your parc operates under the strict rule that all must be Asterix themed – it is afterall “Parc Asterix” or for us in the educated world Asterix Park. Perhaps you could add Nautical flavoured Candy (with a C) Floss (with an F) or perhaps the slightly more aggressive Asterix Croissant (in case you are unaware, that’s what the moon looks like sometimes). You may be opposed to my proposal (one that would clearly expand your fan base [while making you more interesting and bearable {if you're lucky <you might just well be>}]), afterall it is your 20th anniversary this year (as I noticed by seeing the big 20 on your site [it's a bit too big for comfort]). However I am nearly as old as your “parc” and so clearly nearly as wise. If you don’t accept this argument then I believe it is time for you to recognise the clear and obvious link between myself and your “parc”. I am Marc with a ‘c’ and you are parc with a ‘c’, thankfully you are on board with my campaign against the letter K, I’m currently petitioning to have it removed from the web-dictionary (one step at a time boys!). In addition I recently saw a show called “K” whilst on K and felt that both the title and the mental experience lacked substance and flavour.
 
Yours forever without a K,
 
MarC AtK(aaaaah not my fault!!!)inson.

A Business Proposal Of Seismic Proportions

TO: Santa Trips Travel Agency

27th April 2009

Dear Santa,

My name is Sinead MONICA McMahon and I have always seen myself as more of an Easter person. Not because I don’t believe in you, but mainly because I find rabbits more appealing and subtle. Did you know rabbits can do basic arithmetic? Can Santa? I would hope so! Otherwise how would you know how many kids there are, and how many presents to give and how to do the Lotto? I understand you may not need to know how to do sums to play lotto but sometimes its fun to add the numbers up as you go (Like sudoku or origami             ). (nearly forgot to close the brackets there!)

I am mailing to propose a new business venture that you and I could hold hands on in this bleak financial time. As Christmas is only really a runner for a part of the year, why not incorporate the Easter Bunny, St. Patrick, the Tooth Fairy and Michael the Mumps Minstrel? This would add a certain colour and life to these trips out to Lapland so if one should get tired of endless presents and HOs there would be another outlet for ones festive cravings. Scenario. You are on a sleigh jaunting out to your igloo of power (I hope this is what it’s called) and on the 3 hour journey out it is beginning to get tedious and your asthma is starting to consume you and the others around you like a cloud of doom. You look left. The Easter Bunny is playing Violin Tennis with St. Bridget (She’s a rookie so the outcome will be inevitable but entertaining nonetheless). Imagine the joy on the kids furrrowed brows even before they make it out to your Ivory Tower of Ice (As in the tower is made of ice and not ivory (a simple mistake, it happens)). Since the operation I have been feeling a lot better and will not require a bicycle with a defibrillator like I did last Christmas (not that you brought one or anything, (but dont worry, the socks were deadly, got great use out of them (in fact I’m wearing them now (not where you normally would wear socks though (Your hands! (Which explains my poor typing during this memoir)))))).

Think on this idea, have a go at reading the email again if it helps! Like an exam you cannot fail. Or cannot fail to fail to succeed if you fail. Cryptic? Maybe read it again like previously suggested! I’ll leave you with this final thought before I go back to work on my time machine (at the moment it only goes back two seconds). I’ll leave you with this final thought before I go back to work on my time machine (at the moment it …….wait….I see what happened there…did you????). Final thought – Would it be an idea to maybe get the music business involved in Christmas. There’s definitely scope for a market there and I’ve come up with some great tunes in my head, such as *(ring if you wish to hear this melody or listen to it online here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPT_3PEjnsE)

Thank you for indulging yourself in my literature and wealth of visons and innovations. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you again,

Love always

Sinead MONICA McMahon

Reply to A Lack Of Smart(s)ies???

The good people at Nestle took the time to patronise young, aspiring Smarties-based product inventor Ross Dungan with this email.

24 April 2009

Dear Mr Dungan

Thank you for getting in touch about Smarties.

We are always very pleased to hear about the things you would like us to make and your ideas for Smarties was very interesting. We have people working in our company whose job is to think up new product ideas all the time. People often contact us with new ideas, but unfortunately they are usually ideas that have previously been thought of.

A new product takes many years from the first idea until it is actually made, so you may even see a similar product on the shelves in the future.

We are sorry if this reply is disappointing but we are still very grateful to you for spending so much time and effort in thinking up your idea.

Yours sincerely

Gill Taylor
Consumer Relations Executive
Consumer Services

A Thank You. Many Of Them.

TO: The Gaiety Theatre, Dublin

25th April 2009

Dear Gaiety Theatre
 
Well, you thoroughly lived up to your name.
 
Yours gaily
Emma “The Damage” Gleeson

Directions

Email three, and Tim Forde is officially lost.

TO: Coca Cola Public Relations Officer, UK

24th April 2009

Dear Monsignor Coca Cola

Could you give me directions to the Coke side of life? Is it far? And should I bring a packed lunch?

Tim Forde

Thanks

Email two: short, sweet and saccharine.

TO: Café Sol, Dublin

24th April 2009

I had a lovely cuppa. Cheers.

Tim Forde

An Invitation

The first in a trio of brief emails from lunatic entrepreneur Tim Forde.

TO: The Hodson Bay Hotel, Athlone

24th April 2009

Dear Mr. Manager,

I am writing to you to invite you to the grand re-opening of The Hodson Bay Hotel. So impressed was I with your fine establishment when I visited last week (I particularly enjoyed the Octagon {so angular, such vision}) that I have massive plans for the place.

It is my intention to purchase your hotel and knock it to the ground. I would like to invite you to this wondrous and joyous and joyful and wonderful occasion, taking place on 21st July 2011.

I’ll be saving my pocket money and taking out many, many loans. I think around €1679.82 should cover it. Does this sound reasonable?

Many thanks,

Tim Forde
Hotelier (Currently) and Demolitioner Extraordinaire (Imminently!!!!)

Aeroplanes, The Sky Is Not In Fact The Limit. But It Is For This Particular Suggestion

TO: Boeing

24th April 2009

Dear David, 
                 firstly i would like to thank you for your swift response to my previous email. unfortunately i accidently deleted my inbox and as a result lost your email. but i trust that this will get to you through this email address. after all it would be a very shoddy set up if the head of research and development could not be contacted through this channel. anyway, continuing from where we left off our last conversation i would like to state that i adamantly disagree with your condemning of my solar sail design. we are all familiar with the STAR WARS films in which this designs merits are proven time over. in this age of climate change we must all be aware that the suns rays must be harnessed if we are to have any hope of saving our planet. I will take on board your point about earth’s gravitational pull but i am sure that you and your “techno-WIZARDS” as you referred to them are more than capable of coming up with a solution to this problem. 

      i would also like to bring up a new suggestion which would be specifically related to commercial airliners. this is the idea of the “PARTY CUBE“. as i am sure you are aware, in these recessionary times it is becoming increasingly difficult to bring in new customers. my new design of the afore mentioned “PaRtY CuBe” would incorporate all the practicalities of a party area in which travelers could “pARTy” while flying, and all the structural rigidity of a CuBe. As i am sure you have seen from some of our previous discussion, i have a certain fascination with the cUbE as an aeronautical design shape and feel that if is very underrated. unfortunately, unlike with my last view design suggestions, i have been unable to attach this particular design as my scanner is acting up but it would hold a similar design principle to this image that i was able to find on the internet.

The PARTY CUBE

obviously the party element is lost in this image but i will send you my sketch as soon as my scanner is up and running. anyway must dash off as the fries are nearly done.

as always, i remain yours affectionately, Emily Reilly.

ps. if this does not find its way into David’s hands could one of you pass it on to him. thanks. Em xXx

Lack Of Smart(s)ies???

It seems our old friend Ross / Rós / Rosstipher / Ross Dungan has been negligient again and thus we bring you his staggering fourth email, this time to well-known confectionary purveyors, Nestle.

TO: Nestle UK

23rd April 2009

Hello Nestle people,
 
My name is Ross, Ross Dungan. I am 14 years old and live in Dublin in Ireland. I would like to ask you if you could make more amazing sweets with Smarties in them. I love Smarties. They are my favorite chocolate. I also like Yorkies (But enough about that). I really love your new products like the Smarties cake mix. It’s fun to make with my foster mom. However, recently, I find myself getting a little bored with the current selection. Smarties cookies are all well and good but I think you could push this further.
 
I like to mix my Smarties with all types of things. My current favorite is to put it in with my Shredded Wheat…which I see you also sell. Good Job. Perhaps you could use my idea in your product range. I also like Smarties yogurts, Smarties ice cream sandwiches, and perhaps even a Smarties hot drink…not like hot chocolate though. Maybe there is some way you could heat up the Smarties without having the shell melt. Then you could eat/drink them from a big mug. Amazing? I think it would be.
 
Please respond post-haste to this enquiry as I am very keen to explore with you the endless possibilities of Smarties. Lemme know if you want any more amazing ideas from me (I have MANY). Perhaps you could give me a job as a sweet inventor. I wouldn’t need much money.
 
Yours,
Ross Dungan